"Transmit advance recon. Town appears unalerted. Few human guards visible. Technology appallingly primitive."
"Look, Beldar! They use animals for motors in their vehicles! Ha ha ha!"
"Ha! Ha ha!"
"Ha ha!"
"Ha!"
"I observe resources left unguarded. Two mattresses, dirty. One chair, paisley. Three oil drums, empty. One bucket, urine full of."
"Oh, humans are disgusting!"
"We detect food cultivation of tumbleweed and cactus."
"Are you certain those cactus are for food?"
"Team one reports closing in on forest approach."
"The humans employ large monster to guard mass quantities of sealed barrels. What resource do you suppose they store?"
"Please, Beldar. I have just eaten."
"Abduction teams report contact. Humans are alerted. Prepare to coordinate target zone activities."
"Humans are emerging from buildings. Cross index facial features with known subject database."
"Matches acquired, Beldar. Computer identifies ... Thundar ... Ookla ... Ariel ..."
"Robot active, image center. Military vehicle active and moving, image lower right."
"What sort of animal do you think that one uses for an engine?"
"A cow would not fit under that hood. Maybe mass quantities of gerbils?"
"Koralon combat teams have engaged monster. Human monster-trainer is waving her arms and chanting."
"Heifer commandoes have engaged primitive chemical apparatus. I am reading explosion."
"I hope it was not full of urine."
"Subject Ookla has picked up vehicle and is preparing to throw at our units. Wait ... reading shouted communication from subject Thundar. What is he saying?"
"It sounded like 'Demon dogs.'"
"Prymaat, look up in database."
"Am reading no exact entry ... database says he maybe refers to bad pop music by David Bowie."
"By who? - Nevermind. Koralons have made contact with genetically deviant human offspring. Are preparing to take samples."
"Alert teams. Robot has begun advancing at rapid pace."
"Second robot spotted. Armed human militia moving up behind smoke from chemical apparatus."
"And we reported this area lightly defended. Meps! Meps!"
"Do not worry, Prymaat. Gray abduction team reports they will outflank enemy and tranquilize opposition."
"Now I am reading kinetic barrier in front of chanting woman. I can detect no generator. How do they have such technology, Beldar?"
"We will soon know, Prymaat. Grays moving into flanking position now. The humans do not stand a chance. Ha ha!"
"They had better flank soon, Beldar. The robot is beating the Koralons senseless."
"Fear not. Koralon sniper has acquired position on roof of building. Preparing to ... oh, not good, not good!"
"Beldar, tell those Koralons to quit playing with the garbage monster and engage the ones with guns!"
"Two Koralons down, one wounded. Robot is limping and pouring smoke from arm joint."
"What did they do, batter its fists with their heads?"
"Subject Thundar charging our lines. Wait ... am picking up another yelled command. Prymaat, consult database ... he is saying 'Lord of Light.'"
"Is postmodernist novel by Roger Zelazny about taking primitive Earth superstitions to other planets."
"Koralon advance team has overrun enemy lines and regrouped."
"Oh thank goodness."
"Beldar, what is that vehicle doing there?"
"They cannot be there so soon! How many gerbils could they have?"
"Beldar, they have a flamethrower ... !"
"Our flanking team has been flanked."
"Meps! Meps! Meps!"
"Officers down! This gets worse and worse."
"Humans are pulling back into buildings. Advise team the fight is not over."
"Thundar and Ookla are cut off. Abduct them before they do any more damage!"
"Beldar, I am reading multiple inbound aircraft from North direction!"
"Yes I see ... reading multiple hardsuit infantry targets ... Prymaat, consult database on uniform insignia."
"Uniform is 'Coalition.'"
"What is 'Coalition?'"
"Coalition is 'bad news urk.'"
"Urk?"
"That is what it says. Last known transmission of scouting team X118A: 'Have encountered Coalition. Taking fire. Coalition is bad news - URK! (transmission terminates).'"
"Observing more townsfolk of altered genetic structure. Subjects are fleeing buildings ... Coalition is firing on them. Subjects down!"
"Whose side are they on?"
"Not ours. Signal extraction vehicle. I will advise team to draw back to pull-out point."
"I have extraction vehicle on radar ... approaching ..."
"Teams are pulling back. Coalition advancing."
"Vehicle has reached pull-out location ... is hovering over trees ..."
"HOVERING OVER TREES!? MEPS! MEPS!"
"Coalition air units firing full rocket spreads."
"Take evasive action, damn you ... MEPS!"
"Extraction vehicle is down. Reactor no longer active. I have casualties ... mass quantities ... MEPS! ME-"
Audio breaks off with the sound of an overturned microphone. On video, the hull of the flying saucer pours smoke over a field of bodies and a very few disoriented survivors.
Coalition dead-boys march calmly through the town, bringing salvation to its citizens and summary execution to any remaining mutants and aliens.
Through the acrid haze, a battered form drags itself over the cockpit rim. A remote camera zooms in, seeking the inauspicious pilot's identity. Who could it ...
No. It can't be.
It is.
"Ooooh. Meesa head so hurt."
